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Field Notes from the Afterlife is a weekly-ish letter on the stories we tell ourselves, and the strange clarity that comes once the world you trusted falls apart. If something here steadies or stays with you, feel free to reshare it. Thank you for reading, liking, commenting, and helping this space stay alive. You can learn more about me and what I am up to at: www.sarahstiltner.com . This is Part 3 in a Series. Read Part 1       Read Part 2 I have learned over the years that

and the sacred pressure to make it matter I think one of the hardest truths I have had to face since leaving a high-control group is this:a significant portion of my life feels wasted. Not misunderstood. Not misused.Wasted. Time, energy, devotion, care, all poured into something that harmed people I loved, that demanded suffering and […]

This year I sat, with grief and with pain, with stories that made me uncomfortable and whole and real And with my whole body I listened. And I started writing what was whispered though every sentence challenged who I thought I was to say anything at all. I said it anyway. I learned the difference […]

This is Part 2 in a Series entitled: Grief, Remorse, and the Slow Rebuilding of a Moral Compass. Read Part 1 here. Some memories from my past-life come back gently. And there are others that arrive with a kind of quiet humiliation, a reminder of how far I once bent myself to fit inside a […]

A video has been circulating online of a woman calling churches, asking if they can help her buy one can of formula for a starving child. Most of them say no. They’re not set up for that. They don’t have the funds. They only have benevolence for members. Some end the call abruptly, almost defensive. […]

Ya’ll. I’m tired. Tired of thinking, tired of striving, tired of calling exhaustion devotion. I’m not only tired of figuring out God, I’m tired of chasing anything spiritual at all. I don’t want to decode mystery anymore; I just want to live a real, human life. I spent years inside the Lord’s Recovery, a Christian […]

Halloween is almost here, and so we have spent the past month watching spooky movies and reading spooky novels. And most recently, my family has been rewatching Stranger Things in preparation for the new season next month. My fifteen-year-old daughter loves to be terrorized by Vecna and Demogorgons, hiding her face one moment and demanding […]

Death is not the enemy of life but its measure. I learned to fear death long before I ever understood life. Growing up, we sang hymns rejoicing life triumphing over death, we spoke about the power of resurrection and we gloried in verses like, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy […]

This past weekend, I think I played Taylor Swift’s new album, The Life of a Showgirl, a hundred times over. I had preordered the vinyls, painted my nails a blazing orange, and even hosted a little listening party. I went into this album an unapologetic Swiftie (and really, why should anyone ever need to apologize […]

The End (But Not Really the End) I typed the final words of my manuscript this week. That’s the sentence most people expect to mean: the book is finished. Cue the champagne, right? And yet, here’s the quiet truth: typing “The End” is really just the beginning of a very long climb. A few Thanksgivings […]

On my back, hidden from my own eyes, are the words esse quam videri. To be, rather than to seem. I first learned this phrase not in a philosophy text or a Latin primer, but on a highway sign after I moved to North Carolina. It is the state motto here, set down centuries ago […]

and the sacred stories that followed I have a friend. His name is Ben. Ben has a podcast. Ben invited me to be a guest. I talked about my life in a cult. The episode dropped. This is a what happened next. What followed was an outpouring. My inbox filled with messages—some from people I […]

The Box where I spent most of my life didn’t treat me too badly, at least as long as I was ignorant to all that was beyond The Box. Anyone who has seen the milky way in all its undimmed majesty cannot but be humbled with the enormity of what is out there. All the […]